In order to channel my stress over finals, I’ve been thinking more and more about Christmas; facilitated, of course, by mainstream media and internet pop-ups. This is actually a re-working of a list I made four years ago. . .in what feels like another lifetime (for one thing, the blog was on Myspace. I mean. . .myspace! ) Many changes have happened since then, but my general reactions to Christmas appear to have remained the same. I have updated a couple of them – having moved to the Bible Belt, I have a few additions to the first list in particular, and I have escaped Lars Larsen’s obnoxious, Portland-centered proclivities.
First, because I can’t be schlocky without qualifiers, we have the top ten most irritating things about the time between Thanksgiving (shit, Halloween, really, but I’m being generous) and January fifth when every one has finally recovered from the hangover and sugar overdose enough to take down their Christmas lights.
Top 10 most annoying things about Christmas
1. Those huge blow-up, lit-up Christmas. . . things. . .people put up in their yards. You know what I mean? Like the plastic statues weren’t tacky enough. Now we have fifteen foot high Frosty the Snowman glowing amiably from with in and moving with the breeze. One of these nights the hick in me is going to do a drive through of North Bend with a beebee gun and take out every one of those mother-f#ckers.
2. The Music. The same ten songs on every radio station, in every supermarket, department store, coffee shop and medicare office twenty four hours a day. MAKE IT STOP! I would like to point out that J&S has not sold out and written a holiday song, in spite of the fact that all the promotion “how-to’s” say it’s a good idea. You’re welcome.
3. The assumption that everyone is celebrating for the same reason. With my agreements and disagreements with the church, I still do celebrate Dec. 25th as the birthday of a revolutionary egalitarian charismatic leader who worked to change the world. However. I get that not everybody else is in the same boat.
4. Four years ago, I followed the previous item with a little rant about Portland’s own frightening fundamentalist and his fifty foot cross erected in Pioneer Square. This year I will content myself with the fact that Atlanta doesn’t seem to have much controversy in this area; we have accepted that the Coca-Cola Santa is the reason for the season and left it at that.
5. Plastic greenery. Decorating mailboxes. Really? I mean. . .really?
6. The cross country flight in the worst weather possible, full of delays, screaming babies, stressed out parents and horrifically overpriced peanuts.
7. Shopping. I hate shopping. I like getting cool things for people, but I don’t like the stores and the crowds. Of course, I can’t be bothered to order on line because I prefer instant gratification, and I don’t go early because I have a problem with procrastination – so maybe I should just suck it up.
8. Ok, major Scrooge moment. The constant group activities. I get five days with my family. During which we will cram as many events in as possible, making it very difficult to put in any quality personal time. It’s inevitable, if you only get to see each other once a year. And just as that is inevitable, so is my resounding, hermitic, bah-humbug.
9. The crap I get from my family for my bah-humbugs.
10. Hangovers.
Top Ten best things about Christmas.
1. Shore Acres. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, risk the drive and visit Coos Bay, OR between Thanksgiving and New Years. It’s like fairy land with an ocean, and it’s full of happy people, and there’s cider, and singing, and little kids in ridiculous christmas outfits, and nauseatingly cute couples making out on the cliffs and the bridge. (They’re only nauseating because you’re jealous. Suck it up.) Recently made famous on Good Morning America!
2. Little kids in ridiculous Christmas outfits. Love them. A-freaking-dorable.
3. The Christmas pageant at church. Possibly has something to do with #2, and my fascination with live sheep. . . (I am from North Bend)
4. The Christmas tree. Specifically, the smell of the Christmas tree. I also like the origins and the idea of renewal and the memories attached to the decorations all that good stuff, but really, I like the smell.
5. North Bend in the rain. Gorgeous, powerful, windy beach and dark, dark green that shines in the wet. Quiet, slow moving and nearly unchanged since I left almost seven years ago. Along with the people who are still here, or just back to visit.
6. The drive down with Kate. The traffic sucks, but we talk the whole way, and stop at Tomaselli’s and get yummy pastries and gab with Marty and leave with a gift of a brandy fruit cake from Marty to Mom and Dad. “Don’t eat it on the way – not good for driving.”
7. The presents. There it is. I like presents. No, I love presents.
8. My family. All, or nearly all of them in one place. Drinking, talking, mocking, eating, cooking, arguing, tackling, tickling, and trying to get as much of each other as we can against the long year in between.
9. The shit I get from my family for my bah-humbugs.
10. The part before the hangover.